It’s been a hot minute. At least, it feels like a long time since I’ve blogged.
What’s been happening? If you’ve been following my vlogs you’ll know a little bit of what’s been going on: fleas, broken washing machines, cold after cold, freak weather, trees crushing buildings, the list goes on. If you haven’t seen the vlogs, it might sound like I’m exaggerating for dramatic effect. I wish I was.
In the last couple of weeks, my mood has dipped dramatically. As of Monday I’m now down to 12.5mg of my antidepressant; I’d been feeling low before then, but I bet that’s only compounding things. I woke up this morning and just felt miserable. Despairing, even. It’s hard when you don’t feel safe or happy anywhere, which is my current experience of the world around me. Anxiety-related? Unlikely. I think I’m just circumstantially miserable. At least I can point to reasons.
Lately I’ve been feeling helpless. I’ve really been struggling to focus on work all break. And it’s not for lack of trying. I feel like I sit all bloody day at my computer and get an absolute minute amount of work done. I think my prescription’s changed, so I’m having an eye exam on Friday. I can’t focus on my readings, can’t get my brain to work. My study plan for the break has gone absolutely out the window. For every day that I get next to nothing done, my workload for the remainder of the break increases. At this point it’s looking pretty fucking impossible. Like I genuinely don’t know how I’ll get everything done in time. I have something due for every one of my four courses in the first week back. I’ve only made significant progress on one of those assignments.
I know people are going to read this, but right now it feels like I am talking to no-one. Venting my troubles in a space where no-one will see how messy and vulnerable I’m feeling right now. And that’s comforting. I’m really shit about talking about my feelings in real life, with very few exceptions.
I was so on top of things, dude. I was so happy. And now it feels like everything’s on top of me and I’m being crushed under the weight of an impossible workload and a heavy fog of sadness.
I’m keeping it real: I’m so fucking done with everything right now.