It’s weird getting into a funk, and harder to figure out how to get out of it once you’re there. I’m stuck in an off mood right now, and have been for the past few days. The oddness of it made me wonder if I’ve caught some weird cold – which I’ve not ruled out, it’s still possible even though the only physical symptom is tiredness. I’m lacking in energy, both in my body and in my mind. I don’t really feel like doing anything. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’ve got a touch of depression. And depression is a tricky beast to fell.
People don’t like people who complain online. At least I’ve always felt my online presence should be, if not constantly cheerful and comedic, then at least offering some spark of hope or nugget of wisdom along with bluesy musings. But this year I’m trying to be more open and real here, to treat my blog almost like a journal. Which means not sugarcoating things. The good or the bad. Or the weird muddling moods.
More than anything I’m annoyed that I’m like this. It’s January for fuck’s sake, I’m supposed to feel refreshed and energetic, not droopy and mopey (with no discernible cause either). If I don’t have work to go to (which I don’t, because I suck, etc) I wanna at least be out enjoying the sunshine and the warmth of summer. Seeing friends, making impulsive decisions, laughing and sparkling, kicking my heels through the shallows at the beach and shit.
Today all I did was sit around watching old episodes of Skins and thinking Jesus, I’m old now.
Luckily, this mood isn’t completely constant. It dips and peaks. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s just a thing. It doesn’t help being back in this flat, I think. Three of my four flatmates are away all day at their 40-hour-working-week corporate internships, which is closer to a proper adult job than I’ve ever been. And I’m the only one who’s finished their undergraduate degree. That’s a bitter pill to swallow. I’m also probably going to be doing Honours in History this year, which is another full year of study. Sometimes that thought makes me excited, mostly it makes me want to cry thinking about debt and stress and workloads and how even though it’s a postgraduate qualification it’s another year in school and another year between me and a proper income.
I’m twenty two and I feel like I’m pissing around. Aren’t I supposed to be somewhere by now?