That’s what it feels like, so far. A rare month – a month that doesn’t slip by like many others, like so many others before it. A month that doesn’t go by like a night of oversleeping. I’ve done things. Maybe not big things, but I’d argue that they’re far more important. Somewhere along my fast track to adulthood I’ve lost a sense of what I used to value most: moments and memories shared with wonderful people. A candid joy, not just hanging out with nearby friends for the sake of it, or because you’re bored.
I’ve had plenty of that this month, so far: wonderful moments with wonderful people. I worry that capturing every day on my little Canon camera cheapens these memories. But then, I don’t think so. I don’t believe that’s what happens when you choose to film something, to cut and glue it together and share it on the Internet. Instead, I like to see it as the best form of diarizing your life (Google insists diarizing isn’t a word; if so, then I’ll add that neologism most definitely is. Google has underlined that in red too, but fuck you Google, I googled ‘neologism’ to make sure and yet, it’s definitely a thing.)
At this point in my life, I don’t think I’m the kind of human I’m necessarily proud of or happy to be. I’m twenty two and in an awkward, frustrating, despairing point in my life. I’m graduating, officially with the robes and the hat, later this week – yet, I still don’t have a graduate job. And I still don’t feel that sense of achievement. If I stop for even a moment to think about my life, my chest gets tight and my throat seizes with worry about a million different things. A million different ways these little rejections will add up to an astronomical failure of a life. I don’t want to look back on my early twenties and wish that thousands of things had happened differently. That, really, might be my biggest fear.
Being an adult without dependants makes you irresponsible. I have a great deal less respect for myself than I did when I was a teenager, in some key ways. In others, I know how to care for myself and reap my own happiness.
My mother recently linked me a YouTube video (a TED talk, of course) and the message in it was pretty valuable: live with your future self in mind. Put another way, when you look at your present self, think: how would future me feel about this? How do I want future me to feel when she looks back at current me?
I think that’s important, and I think it’s important I write it down and post it here, because it’s not something I want to forget. This December has been so full, and that’s been wonderful. I’ve been so lucky to spend so many wonderful times with dear friends already. I can’t begin to even contemplate twenty seventeen yet, but I think when I do I’ll want it to look a lot more like the past few weeks than the few months that preceded them.
It’s 1am and I’m starting to lose a sense of where this post was headed, so I’ll leave things here for tonight.