Talking about uncomfortable things, pt. 1.

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Moody lil Christmas fairy.

It’s another one of those days where it seems like everything is turning to shit. I feel stressed and frustrated and anxious. A funny contradiction to my cute, Christmassy exterior – but it’s not hard to take selfies, or get all dressed up to distract yourself from all the things that seem to be going wrong around you.

I got rejected for my dream job opportunity, just like that. I didn’t even make it to the interview stage. That’s pretty fucking crushing, for anybody. Every time I think about looking for other jobs, I get gripped by anxiety. My throat squeezes up, I can’t breathe properly, and I want to cry.

I had a panic attack walking home from work the other night. It was the first one in months. I’ve never gone that long before, which is an achievement. And it didn’t even feel like a failure when I was sitting on the dark steps leading down from the office at 9pm, next to the cemetery at university (do other universities have a cemetery? what does it say about ours that we have one?), trying to stop myself from shaking and hyperventilating.

Now I’m always thinking about my online presence. Potential employers can search for me online and my blog will probably come up, and my YouTube channel. I can’t help but think, ‘what if I didn’t get the job because they saw my stupid videos, or read my stupid posts?‘ But fuck it. I’m going to post this anyway. If I can’t be honest on my own bloody blog, where can I be?

I’m tired of constantly feeling like I need to hide behind a smile and say yeah, everything’s fine. More than that, I’m tired of constantly feeling like a failure because I haven’t found a job right now.

Putting one real job application together was two days of intense hard work that caused me a great deal of anxiety – more than I’d felt in an entire trimester of university – and it now seems all for nothing. Good practise, maybe. But now it feels like, well if I couldn’t get my dream job, why should I bother applying to any others?

Why fucking bother, is where I’m at right now.

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